Funny short jokes and aphorisms about programming (and programmers of course)

Here are some funny jokes and aphorisms about computer programming and programmers in general:

There are only 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

It’s always a long day, 86,400 won’t fit into a short.

Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas? Because Oct 31 equals Dec 25.

“Knock, knock.” “Who’s there?” very long pause… “Java.”

Programming is like sex: One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

How can you tell when a programmer has had sex? When he’s washing the pepper spray out of his eyes.

Eight bytes walk into a bar. The bartender asks, “Can I get you anything?” “Yeah,” reply the bytes. “Make us a double.”

Q. How did the programmer die in the shower? A. He read the shampoo bottle instructions: Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None ’s a hardware problem

A programmer walks to the butcher shop and buys a kilo of meat. An hour later he comes back upset that the butcher shortchanged him by 24 grams.

Programming is 10% science, 20% ingenuity, and 70% getting the ingenuity to work with the science.

There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and benchmarks.

All programmers are playwrights, and all computers are lousy actors.

Have you heard about the new Cray super computer? It’s so fast, it executes an infinite loop in 6 seconds.

The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.

“I just saw my life flash before my eyes and all I could see was a close tag…”

The computer is mightier than the pen, the sword, and usually, the programmer.

Debugging: Removing the needles from the haystack.

Two bytes meet. The first byte asks, “Are you ill?” The second byte replies, “No, just feeling a bit off.”

From the Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary:Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless. Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop.

One hundred little bugs in the code One hundred little bugs. Fix a bug, link the fix in, One hundred little bugs in the code.

A computer science student is studying under a tree and another pulls up on a flashy new bike. The first student asks, “Where’d you get that?“The student on the bike replies, “While I was studying outside, a beautiful girl pulled up on her bike. She took off all her clothes and said, ‘You can have anything you want’.“The first student responds, “Good choice! Her clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you.”

Programmer 1: We have a problem Programmer 2: Let’s use RegEx! Programmer 1: Now we have two problems

A SQL query goes to a restaurant, walks up to 2 tables and says “Can I join you”?